I've Got the Dissertation Blues

After receiving the news that I had
 been accepted into the EdD program.

I am halfway through my doctoral course work, and I have hit a wall of stress, fear, and frustration.  I realize that my classes won't go on forever.  Soon, I am going to be an "expert" in an area.  I will have to design a study (and my shaky stats knowledge has got me quaking).  I will have to gain entrance to a research site or sites.  I will have to conduct my research ethically.  I will have to run the right analyses and draw the correct conclusions.

I know that my dissertation won't change the world.  I am aware that no one will likely read it aside from my dissertation chair and perhaps my mother.  I know that the best dissertation is a done one.  I realize that the dissertation is not the end of my scholarly quest but rather the beginning.

However, I am stuck at point A.  Before I do research, etc., I have to find a topic.  Then I have to narrow that topic.  I have to do a literature review.  I have to read and read and read in the area in which I am interested.  I have to find an unanswered question on which to focus.  I have to frame all of my work with a theory. 

I came into the doctoral program with a clear idea of what I wanted to study.  Although I am still deeply interested in these areas of research, I have to admit that my head has been turned in other directions by my doctoral classes.  Take for instance, a project I did last semester on the effects of resiliency on those facing extreme adversity (read:  the effects of poverty).  This project opened up the research world for me.  It was a qualitative quest, one in which I explored the autoethnography.  I was thrilled to be able to use my love of creative writing and the expressive arts in my storytelling.  I was excited to use my life story as a tool of analysis.  BUT....

Reading research, when qualitative, is typically in the form of a case study.  It is not arts-based or arts-informed.  Most reading research is conducted by those in the field of psychology, with their passion for metrics and the gold standard.  Now I feel as if I am having an identity crisis.

The quandary:  Do I become a researcher of a certain style (qualitative) and risk my authority in the reading field?  Do I somehow do both?  Do I stick with traditional forms of research in reading?  Do I turn away from research in reading altogether and research perhaps mentoring (as that is my current job)? 

I really want to spend my future researching reading and teaching pre-service teachers.  I am afraid that the research decisions I make during the dissertation process will guide my professional future, perhaps in unforeseen ways.  If I focus on mentoring, will I limit myself to positions like my current one (which I enjoy, but it is not my end destination)?  Does the dissertation topic factor heavily in the type of position I get in my future?

These questions are driving me batty.  Adding to the stress is the fact that I have a full-time job and two young children.  I am on campus one day a week.  I feel very disenfranchised from the entire process--I need to find time to be on campus more!  I came into the program with an EdS, so all of my elective requirements have been met.  I am not taking classes currently in the reading program.  I do not have an assistanceship or teach any classes as an adjunct.  I have not made appointments with professors to chat.  I don't know how to begin.  I don't know what to talk about.

And so I am left stressed, stunted in my head at the start.  I know it is like eating an elephant--one piece at a time.  But the pressure is currently on because the director of the doctoral program will be meeting with me in 2 weeks to discuss my dissertation plans.  He wants me to answer questions such as, "What do you want to know?" " Your question/issue is important because....."  "What is known already about the question/issue?"  "What is not known about the question/issue?"  "What is the conceptual framework that informs your study?"  And so forth.  Needless to say, I am not here yet.  I appreciate this effort to have us thinking about the end from the beginning, and the way our classes are sequenced are designed to do just that.  Stressing now will help me be sure that I have thought over these things for when I get there.

But I feel left behind.  I simply don't know the answers to these questions yet.  I do know that I want to focus on disabled secondary readers.  I know several theories of reading that will frame my study.  And I know why the research is important.  I need to narrow my topic and do a literature review.  And I need to settle my dilemma regarding methodology so I can answer the final questions the director posed regarding my choice in methodology. 

And though I have the blues, they are of different hues.  Ultimately, I am excited.  What fun stuff to worry about, what a luxury to spend all this time in thought (and study).