If you're thinking of lap band surgery, of stomach stapling, of using Alli, of dieting, or of working out, STOP! Don't act until you read the benefits of being fat! Really! Did you know the fatter you are, the less likely you are to be raped? And you're more likely to "survive malnutrition." That does it. Chocolate cookies, here I come. Bring on the cheese and the Crisco I.V. (Photo from here.)
I read some old National Enquirers and other such enlightening tabs at a friend's house recently (outloud). It made for some fun party talk. Here's a synopsis of an article entitled: "20 Great Reasons to Stay Fat" in the Weekly World News, circa December 5, 2000. It was a good for a few laughs and some, "No they didn'ts!"
Here they are:
1. Beat the cold. Your fat insulates you from the elements. (Blubber!)
2. Ward off malnutrition. As I always say, the upside is that it will take me longer to starve to death.
3. Fight off cancer. Huh? They claim that since chemotheraphy causes malnutrition, the fatter you are, the better your chances.
4. Survive gunshot. I guess the bullet has more to travel through before hitting vital organs.
5. Battle hyperthyrodism. Since this disease speeds up your metabolism and makes you super-skinny, I don't see how you would even BE fat to begin with.
6. Fall safely. Ha. Ha. I guess a fat ass is good for something.
7. Live through car wreck. "A car wreck is more survivable if you have a protective layer of fat" Seeing a theme here? I'm protected. Wow. It sure feels nice! And they don't tell you that you are more likely to kill other people in your car if you're fat and unbelted. It almost happened to my daddy years ago when this bigger lady we'll call Snow Lady was thrown onto him from the backseat as they plummeted down an embankment.
8. Fend off rape. My favorite "No they didn't." As you can imagine, the argument goes that the fatter you are, the less attractive you are to members of the opposite sex, and the less likely you are to be raped! What? Is that legal to print? Wow. There goes my self-esteem. Guess I'll cuddle with my fat!
9. Avoid pedestrian injuries. "A big person can sometimes deliver more damage to some of today's cars than vice vers." This quote from a DOCTOR--Dr. Holwood. What? I guess a motorsit will think twice before purposely running you down, too.
10. Stay out of jail. They say that some people are just too big to fit into a cell. My question is what kind of crime can you get up to if you are that big?
11. Beat stress. According to this article, people stress themselves out over dieting. Their flawed logic explains that if you are fat, you must be avoiding dieting stress. Right.
12. Survive knife wounds. Much like the gunshot reason, the fatter you are, the harder it will be for an assailant to puncture vital organs via knife.
13. Star in Sumo wrestling. If you aspire to this career, you definately need some extra weight. I can't argue with this one.
14. Win at tug-of-war. Again, it's true. But how many of us play tug-of-war outside of elementary school field days?
15. Live through a plane wreck. "If you go down in a plane crash, pray that you look more like Rosie O'Donnell than Christina Aquilera. The flab will absorb some of the impact." (p. 43). That's what I'm banking on. I'm storing all of this fat to survive a plane crash! Maybe I can wander around with hottie Jack, Lost and half-nekkid...Yum!
16. Prevail in brawls. The bigger you are, the harder you hit, right?
17. Resist being pushed off cliffs. How obscure! WTF.
18. Avoid sexual harrassment. Another favorite "No they didn't!" Because fat women aren't likely to be hit on....
19. Survive poisoning. A lot of toxins are fat-soluable, so the fatter you are, the more poison it takes to kill you. Proceed with your arsenic salad.
20. Overcome boa constrictors. Yep. We fight boa constrictors on a daily basis. "...if you're too fat for one to wrap around, let alone swallow, you don't have to worry." (p. 43). Now all us fatties can rest easy.
Funny? Yes. Accurate? Not so much.
In a perfect act of synchronicity or just plain coincidence, I happened upon another article, quite the opposite, several days later, in Health. Mind you, neither of these magazines are common reading material for me.
Fat: 19 New Reasons to Keep it Off Your Belly, Hips, Thighs--and Everywhere Else. by Ginny Graves. Health. May, 2009. pp. 109-113.
1. Fat rachets up your risk for cancer. Because fat produce hormones, women are especially at greater risk for cancers like breast cancer and endometrial cancer. And men can get breast cancer, too!
2. It can make cancer treatment and recovery difficult. More women tend to die from cancer if they're obese because it takes higher dosages of drugs to be effective. But doctors tend to give them lower dosages than needed because they are afraid of overdosing. Guess this is the downside to number 19, above.
3. It's hard on your heart. Is this because you are so unattractive that you constantly find your love life lacking? Nah. It's because being fat carries with it other "cardiac risk factors"--you know, high cholestrol, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Hmm...I was expecting to see that the heart had to work harder to pump all that blood through such a big body...But anyways, statistics show that fat people tend to die of heart attacks 12 years earlier than skinny bitches, er, people.
4. It makes exercise unappealing. Is that a bad thing? Graves explains that exercise clothing (skinny lycra tops, etc.) aren't the only things keeping fatties out of the gym. We also suffer from more aches and pains, which could be alleviated if we went to the gym, but we JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! I can attest to the truthfulness of this one. It is a horrible catch-22.
5. Fat is bad for your brain. Scary. The fatter you are, the more likely you are to succumb to dementia. Aw, man. And when I read the title of this one, I was all ready with my standard, "That will level the playing field; I'm already so smart." But dementia frightens me. What would I be without my mind? Lifeless fat?
6. It doesn't do much for your mood. "Is being fat depressing or is depression fattening," Graves queries. Whatever the case, it doesn't leave you feeling good, unless you are one of those men that like "more to hold." But even then, the fat is on someone else most of the time, and hopefully, you're smart enough to get on top.
7. Fat takes a toll on joints. Yep, please don't sit on that before I have a toke. What? Oh yeah. The other joints. I can attest to this, too. I have arthritis, and the fatter I get, the more my joints ache.
8. It puts pressure on your bladder. If you have ever been pregnant, you KNOW this!
9. It isn't good for your other organs. Fat is specifically hard on your kidneys...wonder why? I got nothing.
10. Fat may produce a backlash in the bedroom. That's too funny. Is this like that old joke, "Smack her belly, and ride the waves in?" Apparently, the bigger you are, the less people want to have sex with you. And then the less sexy you feel.... I guess this is a throwback to numbers 8 and 18 from the previous article.
11. It makes some medical tests tricky. You might not fit into that MRI machine, that wheelchair, etc. Not to mention the poor folks who will have to lift you if you are unable to move on your own.
12. It may affect your medical care. Apparently, doctors have their own prejudices and may "associate obesity with unpleasant character traits, like hostility, dishonesty, and poor hygiene..." (p. 112). I am glad that this issue is turning up in the research because I have certainly felt some negative undercurrents as a result of my weight, and I'm not even that big. But I feel that my doctors think my medical conditions are my fault because I am so slovenly.
13. It can interfere with your fertility. No problems there for me. Maybe that's a reason to get bigger. Hell, if a man can have a baby, if a 60-year-old woman can have a baby, if a woman can have 8 babies at a time, then surely a fat woman can have a baby or two. In fact, I recently read that one danger of being fat and pregnant is that it is easier for you to not know you're pregnant. Strange...that's not mentioned here.
14. It makes pregnancy riskier. Yep. A larger friend of mine had gestational diabetes, and her pregnancy was very misreable. Also, her babies were LGA--large for gestational age.
15. It may even affect your baby's health. Very sad. No joking matter.
16. It may make asthma harder to treat. I think this goes back to the poison thing...the bigger you are, the harder it is for drugs to work effectively.
17. It keeps you up at night. Sleep apnea is not funny, either.
18. It makes you less likely to be hired. WOW! Again, at least this is coming to light. I guess that non-discrimination clause is just for looks.
19. It can affect your bottom line. Yep. Your underwear certainly do get bigger as your waist expands. Oh. They mean how much money you earn. Not fair, unless you get paid for being skinny. But you also have to spend more money on medical bills, and if you yo-yo diet like me, you have to buy lots of clothes in lots of sizes. The good news is that you can conceal a shopping binge under the guise of "nothing fits."
These two articles, though one is obviously a farce, highlight the problem of the contradictory messages we are bombarded with in regards to our health. Who knows what is best?
I have been consumed by thoughts of weight for as long as I can remember, really. No matter how successful I am in other areas of my life, I have a deep hatred for my appearance, particularly my weight, which makes functioning rather difficult at times. Sadly, this state of affairs is the norm for a lot of us, especially females.
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